Just another conversation with my son.

Just another conversation with my son.

My son and I just realized we are starving. A conversation about who is fixing food for whom ensues. Of course, he wants me to do it.

Following are some just of the things LJ has said to me;

· Mom, you know I can’t make simple food.
· I’m saving YOU money by wanting a sandwich.
· They just taste better when you make them.
· MOM MOM MOM MOM (insert Tarzan yell)
· Don’t make me use your government name.
· It is your god given right to make me a sandwich!
· Mooooooooooooom Pleeeeease!!
· You’re kinda being a dick right now.
· Don’t make me call Papa.
· (yelling) Mom, mother, mommy mom, mom c’mon… Please PLEASE!!
· Mother, please make me food.
· One day I won’t need you to make food for me. Take advantage of this NOW.
· You know what would be the worst thing EVER? If you made me food now. I’m over it. Not hungry. (Reverse psychology)
· Yeah, not hungry now. I wish I was though. So I would be happy about a sandwich.
· MOTHER!! Hollie! Ms. Monaco! I’m hungry.
· If you make me food, I’ll be quiet for the rest of the night.
· (Sounding pitiful) I don’t deserve this.
· *Heavy sigh…
· Is this what not being loved feels like?
· I hope you know that when the time comes and you need to be put in home, I’m not picking a nice one. Because you’re an asshole.
· Mother, I’m not asking again.
· *Loud screaming, wailing, fake crying
· Mom, why do you hate me?
· I just want you to know I’m not very happy with you right now.

*** I’m laughing so hard ***
· I’m glad you think this is funny because I think you’re an asshole.
· Mom please, I begging you. I’m begging you for food.
· Mom, I’ve been more than polite.

Seriously, 20 minutes of this. I’m dying. And now, I’m off to make us sandwiches. He earned it!!

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Mom is crazy. Love her anyway.

One of the duties of being a mom is embarrassing your children.  My mom embarrassed me as often as she could and generally in an EPIC fashion.  

When I was little, I was the cutest little boy anyone had ever seen, until I was 13. Seems like overnight I went from boy status to a set of B’s. Yay boobs! This was a big deal. We had to go bra shopping immediately. 

Back in the day, your mom would drag you to Macy’s and have the bra lady measure you for the right fit.  Why do they call them “training” bras? What are they being trained to do? Hell, I skipped that stage.  There was so much discussion about and measuring of my boobs.  Urgh!  I thought this was the most embarrassing thing EVER.  It wasn’t.

What’s more embarrassing than your mom discovering you have boobs and taking you to a store where a random stranger measures your chest, picks out a bra and helps into it?

This is…  

We were visiting my grandparents at the time of this little adventure. My father, both grandparents, aunt, uncle and two male, teen aged cousins were all seated at the dining room table when we walked in the door from shopping.  My father asked about our  trip to the mall.  My bat shit crazy mother grabbed my shirt at the waist and promptly pulled it up over my head for everyone to see  and announced, “She’s got boobs now. How do you like her new bra?”

Mortified. Thanks Mom.

Now, I’ve got a lot of D’s and I don’t care who sees them. If you haven’t seen boobs by now, please look at mine. They are my two best assets. And a great source of embarrassment for my kids.

It’s not just the boobs, it’s everything about me that embarrasses my kids.  They say other mom’s don’t act like me.  Apparently, it’s embarrassing to inform your son about “man scaping” or to tell your daughter you’re jealous of her ass because its “PA-DOW!”.  Both of my kids have great asses.  It’s a fact.

My son played JV high school football for one season. I was so proud. I loved watching him walk out onto the field, get to the line and squat down ready to plow through the kid before him. Apparently yelling, “That ass, tho!” is embarrassing to my son.  Who knew?

Perhaps I am bat shit crazy.

To my mom, thank you!

To my kids, you’re welcome.

Can I touch them?

Can I touch them?

So this happened today…

I’m tending bar at a country music festival that’s here for the weekend.  We were told to wear all black.  My super low black tank top and a cowboy hat are on point.

It’s break time and I’m walking from my bar to go get food.  There is a couple walking in front of me.  The girl turns to look back at her husband and notices me; not just notices, but spins around, wide-eyed, steps in front of me with both hands out grabs my boobs and exclaims, “Holy shit! You have great tits!  Can I touch them?”  Mind you, she’s already got both hands full of me, honking away and clearly drunk so I said, “Sure. Be my guest.”  What else was there to say?

Giddy with drunken excitement, she slurs out, “Seriously, shit, they are fucking amazing.”  and pokes them each a few times.  She then turns to her husband who is completely embarrassed and instructs him to touch my “amazing tits”.  He jumps back with both hands in the air and tells her they shouldn’t be touching me.  Ms. Drunky Pants then grabs her husbands hands and plants them on my chest.  The poor guy is apologizing, but does agree with her my “tits” are “amazing”.  I can’t stop laughing.

Random shit like this happens to me all the time.  People, usually complete strangers, feel the need to touch me.  I’m used to it.  She was drunk and harmless.  He was embarrassed and apologetic.  It was pretty damn funny.  Ms. Drunky Pants was still amazed as she let go and danced away, yelling over her shoulder, “Baby, I need to get me some tits like those.”

Hey Chuck! What did you do today?

Well, I opened a lot of beer, had my boobs groped by a drunk chick and her man, made some money…